My Depression

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Always, even when I’m happiest. I seems to be right on the edge. It’s out there waiting for me to fall over the edge, again, and I do again, and again. I know that God doesn’t want this for me. So why do so many bad things keep happening to me. How could I feel anyway but depressed. So many bad things have happened to me. When I’m happy, I’m always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. No wonder I feel like I’m cracking up when they do happen. I know all about the power of positive thinking and negative energy and all that. But, How can I help from being negative.

I’ve been looking for a house, I liked, for a year. I can’t afford to move, even once, much less move to a place I don’t like, and then move again. Yet, I really need to move. The light bill here has been so high. I’m on the budget plan because it goes up so high in the winter I can’t afford to pay it. Then this year it went up so high on the budget plan that I cant afford to pay it, anytime. I’ve been so worried I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to pay my Life Insurance. Then there is the thing about a treatment. I really need to take that treatment for my disease. But, I need to live somewhere more convenient to Duke Hospital. Living here I wouldn’t be able to afford the gas, to go to the hospital, even if my car was in good shape.  Recently I thought I had found the right place for me to move to. But, it didn’t turn out that I could get it, and I feel myself falling, again, into a deep depression.

I know I shouldn’t complain so much. I know that there are a lot of people in the world that have it a lot worse than me. It’s just that I don’t know any of them, and I don’t think I want to….

More about my crazy life: Where I find myself now

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Well, it would seem that I am about the same place as I was April 21, 2011. Though my health seems gradually to be getting worse.  I just saw a post I put on facebook back then asking for help. The only difference is now I am looking for a place to move to as well as looking for help with my car, that has so many things wrong with it that I ‘m afraid to drive it, even when it will start. The only difference is that then I apparently had a little bit of money to give someone to work on it,  though not enough.They only put a bandage on it to keep it going temperedly. I can’t believe it’s ran this long. Well, I have had quite a few problems with it since then. But, Praise the Lord, With his help I’ve managed. What happened is my already HIGH light bill of $220 dollars a month on the budget plan went up to $260 a month. That may not seem like that much to you, but to someone who lives of a very small SS and SSI payment it’s very depressing. I don’t have enough money now to pay my bills here so I was planning to move. Even though I don’t have the money I need for deposits, and other  moving expenses. Originally I wanted to move because I needed to be in  a place closer to Duke Hospital where I was planning to go for treatment. That was over a year ago. I didn’t have the money to even get back and forth to Durham to look for a place. I didn’t want to move in Durham, but out side of Durham somewhere, in the country. I love the country, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep driving with my health the it is, I suppose sometime I’ll have to give up my cats and  move in a nursing home, somewhere, if the Lord doesn’t take me before then, but in the mean time, and for as long as I can, I want to live in the country, and keep my cats with me. I’ve spent to much of my life living in the cities where I was not happy. I have section 8 so if I can find a place within the price range they give me, they will help me with my rent. But, my time ran out, that they gave me to find a place around Durham, and I almost lost my section 8  because of it. So, this year I decide to keep my search local. Looking in the areas that would be convenient to the way I like to drive to Durham, but with my HIGH light bill, I didn’t have the gas to do very much looking, even around here. Then my car broke down, again. Since then  I’ve been stranded, way out here in the country, with my car in town at my sons house. I managed to drive it that far before it completely stopped. So, I set here becoming more and more depressed as the days go by. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve already missed one doctors appointment. What am I to do? What can I do? Confused smile

My Crazy Life

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Well, I guess it’s time I told you a little about my crazy life, but I’m not really sure I want you to know. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with my depression. I’ve lived with depression for as long as I remember. I used to think that I was only depressed because of the terrible things that keep happening to me. But,  now I sometimes think that, maybe, my depression somehow draws me to these terrible situations. What I’m really saying I guess is,  just maybe, I cause bad things to happen to me. Either that or I’ve got one hell of a curse on me.

I mean I know I caused my disease, by doing drugs. But, what made me do the drugs to start with. I was depressed, yes, I was more than depressed, I was in terrible, unbearable,  pain. My Ex-husband had my Children and I didn’t know where he was. He didn’t have them legally. I had finally got legal custody, I had to go through a lot to get it. I didn’t have anyone to help me. I’d get a job then lose it, probably because of my depression. Finally, I got an Attorney. Found my husband long enough to serve papers on him, He even showed up in court, once. My mother went to court with me. Everything was going my way. Then he doesn’t show up in court the second time. They went ahead and gave me custody because my ex didn’t show up in court. But, he already had my kids and he was already gone. I didn’t just run out there and start doing drugs. That didn’t come until later. I worked and looked for my kids. Then finally I started doing drugs, just occasionally, to ease the pain. Then finally I got a break. A friend called me and told me my Ex was visiting his mother. I got my Children back. It wasn’t as great as I thought it would be. My Children had a lot  of problems. They had been living with a nut case for 3 years, they had been raised to hate me. But, we were working on things. My son was a gifted child. He was younger than his sister and didn’t appear to be as damaged. I had other problems as well. I didn’t have a much education, so I couldn’t get a good job, and I wanted to be at home with my children. So I applied for AFDC. That’s AID to Families with Dependent Children. So we were poor. There was trouble with one of my in-laws. I wont go into what happened, but I was scared to go home alone.  My Ex seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth, so I didn’t have any trouble from him, for a while. Things seemed to be getting better. I had moved to a new location, I had a a cool boyfriend, that worked, and helped me out. Then, the day before my sons birthday, it happened. My Ex called. He said he was staying with his mother and ask if the kids could come spend the night with them. I thought about it a minute, and said,” sure that might be a good Idea because were planning a surprise party for ____tomorrow, that will give us a chance to get everything ready.” How stupid could I be. Boy, I sure brought that one on myself. Of course, he took my children and disappeared again. I started doing drugs again, this time heavily, this time the needle.

So, what do you think. Was I crazy or what. Do you think I do bring these things on myself. Sometimes I know I do. Why, I don’t know.

I haven’t talked about God or Jesus in this because I don’t remember God in my life at this time. I’m sure I prayed sometimes. But, I don’t really think I had God in my life to much at this point. My memories not to good though, it seems to have holes in it.  I’ll tell you more about my crazy life another day. Maybe.

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