My Depression


Always, even when I’m happiest. I seems to be right on the edge. It’s out there waiting for me to fall over the edge, again, and I do again, and again. I know that God doesn’t want this for me. So why do so many bad things keep happening to me. How could I feel anyway but depressed. So many bad things have happened to me. When I’m happy, I’m always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. No wonder I feel like I’m cracking up when they do happen. I know all about the power of positive thinking and negative energy and all that. But, How can I help from being negative.

I’ve been looking for a house, I liked, for a year. I can’t afford to move, even once, much less move to a place I don’t like, and then move again. Yet, I really need to move. The light bill here has been so high. I’m on the budget plan because it goes up so high in the winter I can’t afford to pay it. Then this year it went up so high on the budget plan that I cant afford to pay it, anytime. I’ve been so worried I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to pay my Life Insurance. Then there is the thing about a treatment. I really need to take that treatment for my disease. But, I need to live somewhere more convenient to Duke Hospital. Living here I wouldn’t be able to afford the gas, to go to the hospital, even if my car was in good shape.  Recently I thought I had found the right place for me to move to. But, it didn’t turn out that I could get it, and I feel myself falling, again, into a deep depression.

I know I shouldn’t complain so much. I know that there are a lot of people in the world that have it a lot worse than me. It’s just that I don’t know any of them, and I don’t think I want to….

The Contrite Spirit



I wrote this several years ago. I still agree with most of it.

Originally posted on TheFlowerchild:

What does contrite mean?

Caused by or showing sincere remorse.

Filled with a since of Guilt, and a desire for atonement; penitent; A contrite sinner.

That’s what the dictionary says.

Now, lets see what the Bible says.

Ps 34:18 -The Lord is nigh unto them that have broken heart; and saveth such be of a contrite spirit.

In NIV it says- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ps 51:17-The sacrifices of God are a broken Spirit; a broken and a contrite heart , O God, thou wilt not despise.

NIV-The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Is 57:15- For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite…

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More about my crazy life: Where I find myself now


Well, it would seem that I am about the same place as I was April 21, 2011. Though my health seems gradually to be getting worse.  I just saw a post I put on facebook back then asking for help. The only difference is now I am looking for a place to move to as well as looking for help with my car, that has so many things wrong with it that I ‘m afraid to drive it, even when it will start. The only difference is that then I apparently had a little bit of money to give someone to work on it,  though not enough.They only put a bandage on it to keep it going temperedly. I can’t believe it’s ran this long. Well, I have had quite a few problems with it since then. But, Praise the Lord, With his help I’ve managed. What happened is my already HIGH light bill of $220 dollars a month on the budget plan went up to $260 a month. That may not seem like that much to you, but to someone who lives of a very small SS and SSI payment it’s very depressing. I don’t have enough money now to pay my bills here so I was planning to move. Even though I don’t have the money I need for deposits, and other  moving expenses. Originally I wanted to move because I needed to be in  a place closer to Duke Hospital where I was planning to go for treatment. That was over a year ago. I didn’t have the money to even get back and forth to Durham to look for a place. I didn’t want to move in Durham, but out side of Durham somewhere, in the country. I love the country, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep driving with my health the it is, I suppose sometime I’ll have to give up my cats and  move in a nursing home, somewhere, if the Lord doesn’t take me before then, but in the mean time, and for as long as I can, I want to live in the country, and keep my cats with me. I’ve spent to much of my life living in the cities where I was not happy. I have section 8 so if I can find a place within the price range they give me, they will help me with my rent. But, my time ran out, that they gave me to find a place around Durham, and I almost lost my section 8  because of it. So, this year I decide to keep my search local. Looking in the areas that would be convenient to the way I like to drive to Durham, but with my HIGH light bill, I didn’t have the gas to do very much looking, even around here. Then my car broke down, again. Since then  I’ve been stranded, way out here in the country, with my car in town at my sons house. I managed to drive it that far before it completely stopped. So, I set here becoming more and more depressed as the days go by. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve already missed one doctors appointment. What am I to do? What can I do? Confused smile