My Crazy Life

Well, I guess it’s time I told you a little about my crazy life, but I’m not really sure I want you to know. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with my depression. I’ve lived with depression for as long as I remember. I used to think that I was only depressed because of the terrible things that keep happening to me. But,  now I sometimes think that, maybe, my depression somehow draws me to these terrible situations. What I’m really saying I guess is,  just maybe, I cause bad things to happen to me. Either that or I’ve got one hell of a curse on me.

I mean I know I caused my disease, by doing drugs. But, what made me do the drugs to start with. I was depressed, yes, I was more than depressed, I was in terrible, unbearable,  pain. My Ex-husband had my Children and I didn’t know where he was. He didn’t have them legally. I had finally got legal custody, I had to go through a lot to get it. I didn’t have anyone to help me. I’d get a job then lose it, probably because of my depression. Finally, I got an Attorney. Found my husband long enough to serve papers on him, He even showed up in court, once. My mother went to court with me. Everything was going my way. Then he doesn’t show up in court the second time. They went ahead and gave me custody because my ex didn’t show up in court. But, he already had my kids and he was already gone. I didn’t just run out there and start doing drugs. That didn’t come until later. I worked and looked for my kids. Then finally I started doing drugs, just occasionally, to ease the pain. Then finally I got a break. A friend called me and told me my Ex was visiting his mother. I got my Children back. It wasn’t as great as I thought it would be. My Children had a lot  of problems. They had been living with a nut case for 3 years, they had been raised to hate me. But, we were working on things. My son was a gifted child. He was younger than his sister and didn’t appear to be as damaged. I had other problems as well. I didn’t have a much education, so I couldn’t get a good job, and I wanted to be at home with my children. So I applied for AFDC. That’s AID to Families with Dependent Children. So we were poor. There was trouble with one of my in-laws. I wont go into what happened, but I was scared to go home alone.  My Ex seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth, so I didn’t have any trouble from him, for a while. Things seemed to be getting better. I had moved to a new location, I had a a cool boyfriend, that worked, and helped me out. Then, the day before my sons birthday, it happened. My Ex called. He said he was staying with his mother and ask if the kids could come spend the night with them. I thought about it a minute, and said,” sure that might be a good Idea because were planning a surprise party for ____tomorrow, that will give us a chance to get everything ready.” How stupid could I be. Boy, I sure brought that one on myself. Of course, he took my children and disappeared again. I started doing drugs again, this time heavily, this time the needle.

So, what do you think. Was I crazy or what. Do you think I do bring these things on myself. Sometimes I know I do. Why, I don’t know.

I haven’t talked about God or Jesus in this because I don’t remember God in my life at this time. I’m sure I prayed sometimes. But, I don’t really think I had God in my life to much at this point. My memories not to good though, it seems to have holes in it.  I’ll tell you more about my crazy life another day. Maybe.

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The Contrite Spirit

What does contrite mean?

Caused by or showing sincere remorse.

Filled with a since of Guilt, and a desire for atonement; penitent; A contrite sinner.

That’s what the dictionary says.

Now, lets see what the Bible says.

Ps 34:18 -The Lord is nigh unto them that have broken heart; and saveth such be of a contrite spirit.

In NIV it says- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ps 51:17-The sacrifices of God are a broken Spirit; a broken and a contrite heart , O God, thou wilt not despise.

NIV-The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Is 57:15- For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.

NIV- For this is what the high and lofty one says- he who lives forever, whose name is holy:

“ I live in the high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Wow!

Several years ago the Pastor, at the Church I go to sometimes, taught on a contrite spirit, I believe it was in a Bible study. I had never heard anything about it before, or maybe I had, maybe I just never absorbed it before. Maybe I didn’t need it then, or maybe I wasn’t ready to hear it. He mentioned it again recently during Lent. That’s what got me thinking about it again. When I first heard him teach on a Contrite Spirit several years ago. Well, even though I couldn’t remember ever hearing the word contrite before, I Thought knew what it meant. I came home and got my dictionary out and my Bible and I read everything I could find on a contrite spirit or heart.

You see I was saved when I was nineteen. My husband and I moved to the mountains to a Christian Commune. I loved it there, it was beautiful, we had Bible studies every morning before starting our day. I saw miracles happen. I loved the Lord. Everything was good. Then my Husband said we had to move. I didn’t want to leave. I was very sad. But, I got over it. My husband started going to Bible College. Things weren’t as good anymore, but they weren’t that bad. At first. It happened so slowly that I didn’t relies what was coming until it was over. My marriage was over. I won’t tell you that whole story. Not right now anyway. But, I started to backslide. I got farther and farther away from God. Until I didn’t think I would ever find my way back. I made a lot of mistakes. I hurt the people I loved the most. Sometimes I would try to go to a Church.  But, I never felt welcome. The farther I got away from God the more it seemed I could never come back. I couldn’t forgive myself for the things I had done. Sometimes, I would try to talk to Christians about it. They would tell me I had to forgive myself. How could I expect God to forgive me if I couldn’t forgive myself? That just made my guilt worse. Then I couldn’t forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself. I blamed myself for everything. After I found out that I had this terrible disease, that I got from doing drugs, I finally quit my evil ways. I started to go to Church, even though I felt like an outsider. That was where I was still at, in my head, when I heard the Pastor say something about a Contrite Spirit. You can see what this means to me. The Lord loves me anyway even if I can’t forgive myself. He still forgives me. He’s glad that I am remorseful for the things I did. Because then he can forgive me, and now at last I can forgive myself, a little. Oh and if your thinking, ” Yeah, but that’s old testament stuff.” This year the pastor told the story of the prodigal son. It’s the same thing in the new testament, and it’s explained better. I don’t know why I never really thought about it before, I’ve heard that story plenty of times. When you come to him with a contrite spirit, then he can forgive you for your sins. But, if you don’t even believe that you’ve done wrong, if you always blame someone else, how can he forgive you then. Are you suppose to go through life punishing yourself for something you’ve done? No, I don’t think so. But, you won’t forget, at least not in this life, not as long as you have your right mind anyway, and you will always be sorry. There will always be a little part of your heart that’s broken. Unless the Lord heals it and he may do that for some people, he may do it for me one day if I live long enough. But, I pray that he heals my loved ones, The ones that are still alive, first from any harm that I may have done to them. Even though I never meant to hurt anyone, I know I did.                          

How can I expect God to forgive me, even if I can’t forgive myself? Because he is God and He is perfect.