My Crazy Life

Well, I guess it’s time I told you a little about my crazy life, but I’m not really sure I want you to know. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with my depression. I’ve lived with depression for as long as I remember. I used to think that I was only depressed because of the terrible things that keep happening to me. But,  now I sometimes think that, maybe, my depression somehow draws me to these terrible situations. What I’m really saying I guess is,  just maybe, I cause bad things to happen to me. Either that or I’ve got one hell of a curse on me.

I mean I know I caused my disease, by doing drugs. But, what made me do the drugs to start with. I was depressed, yes, I was more than depressed, I was in terrible, unbearable,  pain. My Ex-husband had my Children and I didn’t know where he was. He didn’t have them legally. I had finally got legal custody, I had to go through a lot to get it. I didn’t have anyone to help me. I’d get a job then lose it, probably because of my depression. Finally, I got an Attorney. Found my husband long enough to serve papers on him, He even showed up in court, once. My mother went to court with me. Everything was going my way. Then he doesn’t show up in court the second time. They went ahead and gave me custody because my ex didn’t show up in court. But, he already had my kids and he was already gone. I didn’t just run out there and start doing drugs. That didn’t come until later. I worked and looked for my kids. Then finally I started doing drugs, just occasionally, to ease the pain. Then finally I got a break. A friend called me and told me my Ex was visiting his mother. I got my Children back. It wasn’t as great as I thought it would be. My Children had a lot  of problems. They had been living with a nut case for 3 years, they had been raised to hate me. But, we were working on things. My son was a gifted child. He was younger than his sister and didn’t appear to be as damaged. I had other problems as well. I didn’t have a much education, so I couldn’t get a good job, and I wanted to be at home with my children. So I applied for AFDC. That’s AID to Families with Dependent Children. So we were poor. There was trouble with one of my in-laws. I wont go into what happened, but I was scared to go home alone.  My Ex seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth, so I didn’t have any trouble from him, for a while. Things seemed to be getting better. I had moved to a new location, I had a a cool boyfriend, that worked, and helped me out. Then, the day before my sons birthday, it happened. My Ex called. He said he was staying with his mother and ask if the kids could come spend the night with them. I thought about it a minute, and said,” sure that might be a good Idea because were planning a surprise party for ____tomorrow, that will give us a chance to get everything ready.” How stupid could I be. Boy, I sure brought that one on myself. Of course, he took my children and disappeared again. I started doing drugs again, this time heavily, this time the needle.

So, what do you think. Was I crazy or what. Do you think I do bring these things on myself. Sometimes I know I do. Why, I don’t know.

I haven’t talked about God or Jesus in this because I don’t remember God in my life at this time. I’m sure I prayed sometimes. But, I don’t really think I had God in my life to much at this point. My memories not to good though, it seems to have holes in it.  I’ll tell you more about my crazy life another day. Maybe.




3 thoughts on “My Crazy Life

  1. I will, the next time I get in the mood to write. I was in the mood the other day, while I was cooking. The thoughts started coming. I was going to write it all down, then the phone rang and I ended up talking for 2 hours to this guy. Afterward the mood was gone. I guess I talked all my feelings out that time instead of writing about them. It usually starts out with me getting mad or upset about something, then I start writing until I’m feeling better. It makes me feel better to know that someone reads what I write.

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