Always, even when I’m happiest. I seems to be right on the edge. It’s out there waiting for me to fall over the edge, again, and I do again, and again. I know that God doesn’t want this for me. So why do so many bad things keep happening to me. How could I feel anyway but depressed. So many bad things have happened to me. When I’m happy, I’m always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. No wonder I feel like I’m cracking up when they do happen. I know all about the power of positive thinking and negative energy and all that. But, How can I help from being negative.
I’ve been looking for a house, I liked, for a year. I can’t afford to move, even once, much less move to a place I don’t like, and then move again. Yet, I really need to move. The light bill here has been so high. I’m on the budget plan because it goes up so high in the winter I can’t afford to pay it. Then this year it went up so high on the budget plan that I cant afford to pay it, anytime. I’ve been so worried I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to pay my Life Insurance. Then there is the thing about a treatment. I really need to take that treatment for my disease. But, I need to live somewhere more convenient to Duke Hospital. Living here I wouldn’t be able to afford the gas, to go to the hospital, even if my car was in good shape. Recently I thought I had found the right place for me to move to. But, it didn’t turn out that I could get it, and I feel myself falling, again, into a deep depression.
I know I shouldn’t complain so much. I know that there are a lot of people in the world that have it a lot worse than me. It’s just that I don’t know any of them, and I don’t think I want to….